San Diego CityBeat, an alternative weekly, sent out an email Nov. 19 asking its regular editorial contributors for submissions to the paper's annual "Letters to Santa" section. "For you newcomers," CityBeat's editor wrote, "these are letters written by us pretending to be celebrities or local public figures -- and sometimes animals or inanimate objects -- asking Santa for something in particular." I submitted the following letter, which never saw print.
Hello, Santa!
You're probably wondering where you are, how you got here, and why your arm is handcuffed to Rudolph's antlers. Forget about all that now and pay attention! I want something from you, fat man: I want a new toy for my, uh, special holiday guests. I really don't care what it is, so long as it's big, metal and uncomfortable looking, with lots of springs and sliding compartments and cool rotating blades that pop out of nowhere.
I'd build it myself, but the guys at Home Depot are starting to look at me funny. Assholes. People think it's so easy, like I just wiggle my nose and industrial-sized deathtraps fall out of my butt. Well, they don't, do they? And another thing: Make sure whatever you leave under my tree comes with easy-to-follow instructions written in English. English, Kringle! Not Japanese, German or Indonesian -- English, and in letters large enough to read in a moldy basement with a light bulb swinging overhead.
Do this for me, Santa. Do this, or spend Christmas Eve wondering whether it's quicker to saw through your arm or Rudy's fuzzy antlers. The choice is yours. Choose wisely!
Love and kisses,
Jigsaw
Hello, Santa!
You're probably wondering where you are, how you got here, and why your arm is handcuffed to Rudolph's antlers. Forget about all that now and pay attention! I want something from you, fat man: I want a new toy for my, uh, special holiday guests. I really don't care what it is, so long as it's big, metal and uncomfortable looking, with lots of springs and sliding compartments and cool rotating blades that pop out of nowhere.
I'd build it myself, but the guys at Home Depot are starting to look at me funny. Assholes. People think it's so easy, like I just wiggle my nose and industrial-sized deathtraps fall out of my butt. Well, they don't, do they? And another thing: Make sure whatever you leave under my tree comes with easy-to-follow instructions written in English. English, Kringle! Not Japanese, German or Indonesian -- English, and in letters large enough to read in a moldy basement with a light bulb swinging overhead.
Do this for me, Santa. Do this, or spend Christmas Eve wondering whether it's quicker to saw through your arm or Rudy's fuzzy antlers. The choice is yours. Choose wisely!
Love and kisses,
Jigsaw
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